Going into the next few days of the end of this year, I have come to think and re think about an abundant amount of things both big and small. Like what the hell am I going to cook for an event that literally none of my own friends will be present for (partially my own fault for not reaching out to them but also my inability to feel confident they would even show up) or how I need to continue to justify to my family why I am still unemployed, or to mention how I am becoming overwhelmed with the fact that I haven’t left the house in a few days.
I went for a short walk today to get the mail with my dog-son and all I could think about was how I did not want to be home anymore, how I wanted to explore and or have some sort of outlet this coming year. How I was sick and tired of looking out of windows. Windows that have not given me much motivation to want more, windows that I in someway have felt trapped by. Now these windows could surely mean more than your average glass windows, its things that are more mentally blocking.
In some sort of exhausting way I feel like I have no say in certain things even when it appears I do. It is draining to constantly have the idea that if only I had more money and or if only I had the motivation. This is all factors that play into why I wanted to begin this challenge and why I want to feel more of myself again. Suffering from all these thoughts is draining and takes a toll on my own mental disorders which is why I want to so badly stop them from taking over my mind any further.
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